The last several days have been good. Smooth. No real big incidents. Settling into routine. Feeling like I am accomplishing things.
And therefore - I feel content here. But I want more than that. I don't want to be running home in my head and heart when things are tough. I don't want to be here only when I feel good about things here. What happens when there are arguments? What about failures and fall outs? What about sicknesses?
How do I know if living here is my calling? How do I know if this is the place God has for me?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
learning is a process
What am I learning?
A friend asked me recently what I have learned in my time here. Seeing as I'm going through the down section of the roller coaster ride called 'culture stress' I can't actually say I've learned anything. But what am I learning?
There's the language and cultural things I am slowly picking up. They are the only things keeping me here for the next year right now.
I'm learning a lot about myself: a lot of things I don't particularly care to see. I'm learning about perspective and purpose. About reasons for living and dying and how that does or does not infiltrate even the shortest minute of day-to-day life. I'm learning about my own vanity. About my idols. About how much of my heart is given to things that are minuscule and trivial and WRONG in the grand scheme of things.
I'm learning about how to love others, especially my husband. And I'm more often learning how I fail to love others, especially my husband. I have learned to be more thankful and respectful of the man my husband is, but I have also fought with him in such vicious hateful ways.
I'm learning how to do things I don't like or want to do. How to push myself to give up some things for other things. How to live not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I have learned that my heart really does desire some things that I don't have here. And my head and my heart both believe that those things I desire are important - even if they aren't the BEST things I feel like I ought to be wanting.
I want to want to be here. I want to find my joy in this work, in this place, in this role. But it's just not here. Is that because this isn't the place for me? Or because I'm just having to let go of some things that I don't want to let go? Is it because this isn't what God has called me to? Or is it because I am transitioning and adjusting to such a different work?
Why do I just wanna run away? I've always been the fighter not the flighter. Why do I wanna give up? Why do I think that something else would fit? If we do not find any success here, can I go home and assume that I will find it in a different but similar area of work? If I fail this test here how can I pass any other?
I miss Josiah.
I wish my husband understood me.
I want the peace and forgetfulness of my bed.
I want joy in simple things.
I want contentment.
I long for something stable.
How can I find all these things in YOU, Lord? How do you show them and apply them and lay them on me?
A friend asked me recently what I have learned in my time here. Seeing as I'm going through the down section of the roller coaster ride called 'culture stress' I can't actually say I've learned anything. But what am I learning?
There's the language and cultural things I am slowly picking up. They are the only things keeping me here for the next year right now.
I'm learning a lot about myself: a lot of things I don't particularly care to see. I'm learning about perspective and purpose. About reasons for living and dying and how that does or does not infiltrate even the shortest minute of day-to-day life. I'm learning about my own vanity. About my idols. About how much of my heart is given to things that are minuscule and trivial and WRONG in the grand scheme of things.
I'm learning about how to love others, especially my husband. And I'm more often learning how I fail to love others, especially my husband. I have learned to be more thankful and respectful of the man my husband is, but I have also fought with him in such vicious hateful ways.
I'm learning how to do things I don't like or want to do. How to push myself to give up some things for other things. How to live not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I have learned that my heart really does desire some things that I don't have here. And my head and my heart both believe that those things I desire are important - even if they aren't the BEST things I feel like I ought to be wanting.
I want to want to be here. I want to find my joy in this work, in this place, in this role. But it's just not here. Is that because this isn't the place for me? Or because I'm just having to let go of some things that I don't want to let go? Is it because this isn't what God has called me to? Or is it because I am transitioning and adjusting to such a different work?
Why do I just wanna run away? I've always been the fighter not the flighter. Why do I wanna give up? Why do I think that something else would fit? If we do not find any success here, can I go home and assume that I will find it in a different but similar area of work? If I fail this test here how can I pass any other?
I miss Josiah.
I wish my husband understood me.
I want the peace and forgetfulness of my bed.
I want joy in simple things.
I want contentment.
I long for something stable.
How can I find all these things in YOU, Lord? How do you show them and apply them and lay them on me?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Another Day
Today has been a better day. BUT - I am tired.
Tired of learning the language
Tired of not being able to really talk to people.
Tired of using 100 brain cells to think of one sentence to say.
Tired of boys running around our apartment making way too much noise.
Tired of not having a yard and grass and dirt and trees to climb.
Tired of working so hard to do little things.
Tired of not being able to communicate in a clear way what lies in my heart.
Tired of not free to talk to anyone.
Tired of conflicts with my husband.
Tired of going up and down the emotional roller coaster.
Tired of not being who I thought I was.
Tired of not being who I want to be.
Tired of not having what I want to have.
Tired of seeing all my expectations shattered on the floor.
Tired of finding my dreams seem so foolish.
Tired of saying I have 'two' children when my heart still holds three.
Tired of not knowing what is ahead.
Tired of not living a 'settled' life.
Tired of not having my own place in the world.
Tired of feeling like I'm never gonna make it, never gonna be good enough, never gonna thrive.
I'm just tired.
Tired of learning the language
Tired of not being able to really talk to people.
Tired of using 100 brain cells to think of one sentence to say.
Tired of boys running around our apartment making way too much noise.
Tired of not having a yard and grass and dirt and trees to climb.
Tired of working so hard to do little things.
Tired of not being able to communicate in a clear way what lies in my heart.
Tired of not free to talk to anyone.
Tired of conflicts with my husband.
Tired of going up and down the emotional roller coaster.
Tired of not being who I thought I was.
Tired of not being who I want to be.
Tired of not having what I want to have.
Tired of seeing all my expectations shattered on the floor.
Tired of finding my dreams seem so foolish.
Tired of saying I have 'two' children when my heart still holds three.
Tired of not knowing what is ahead.
Tired of not living a 'settled' life.
Tired of not having my own place in the world.
Tired of feeling like I'm never gonna make it, never gonna be good enough, never gonna thrive.
I'm just tired.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Beginning again
I have other blogs I write for family and other miscellaneous reasons. But I wanted another place to write whenever I felt without the constraints of knowing who and how many people are reading it. Somewhere to journal my thoughts and perhaps hear feedback from non-attached parties. So this will be my private musings and meanderings about my life, my journey, my walk.
I am a mother of three boys. One of those is no longer with us - went to heaven when he was just 8 weeks old. It has been almost four years now. Can it really be? Would he have turned four in just a few short months? How quickly, and sometimes difficultly, time has passed.
My family and I live overseas, we are coming up on 9 months here. It has been challenging and wonderful at the same time.
We are Christians, and so my struggle through life also includes some struggles with my faith. My faith, my knowledge and understanding of who God is, is as core and foundational to me as my own breath. I have no space to doubt him. But I do struggle in the outworkings of my faith. In the day-to-day living and understanding and becoming.
I feel like a woman with much baggage to be carried through life. I am looking and missing and longing for more. I KNOW in my gut that it is found in God alone, and yet I stumble and don't see it. I am trying to discover myself and His plan for me. I'm trying to figure out who I am and what He has for me. I want to be so much more than I am. Must I be content with who I am first?
My thoughts and ramblings will probably be somewhat scattered, unorganized, emotional, and even contradictory. I do not mind comments, even welcome them; but in the end this is my attempt at understanding myself and sorting through the mess that is my heart and my journey. So I only ask for no judgmental attitudes, but allow me the mess it takes to find my root.
I will keep specifics of who I am to myself. I wish for this to be a place where I can share all that's on my heart without it being known who I am specifically. This anonymity gives me some space of freedom I suppose. I keep a journal, and this will be much the same - but for two reasons different: I can type faster than I can write, and placing this in a public place is a freeing feeling - no hiding anything. And hopefully at some point I will not feel the need for being anonymous in order to express myself and the deep places of my heart. But that is part of the journey.
I am a mother of three boys. One of those is no longer with us - went to heaven when he was just 8 weeks old. It has been almost four years now. Can it really be? Would he have turned four in just a few short months? How quickly, and sometimes difficultly, time has passed.
My family and I live overseas, we are coming up on 9 months here. It has been challenging and wonderful at the same time.
We are Christians, and so my struggle through life also includes some struggles with my faith. My faith, my knowledge and understanding of who God is, is as core and foundational to me as my own breath. I have no space to doubt him. But I do struggle in the outworkings of my faith. In the day-to-day living and understanding and becoming.
I feel like a woman with much baggage to be carried through life. I am looking and missing and longing for more. I KNOW in my gut that it is found in God alone, and yet I stumble and don't see it. I am trying to discover myself and His plan for me. I'm trying to figure out who I am and what He has for me. I want to be so much more than I am. Must I be content with who I am first?
My thoughts and ramblings will probably be somewhat scattered, unorganized, emotional, and even contradictory. I do not mind comments, even welcome them; but in the end this is my attempt at understanding myself and sorting through the mess that is my heart and my journey. So I only ask for no judgmental attitudes, but allow me the mess it takes to find my root.
I will keep specifics of who I am to myself. I wish for this to be a place where I can share all that's on my heart without it being known who I am specifically. This anonymity gives me some space of freedom I suppose. I keep a journal, and this will be much the same - but for two reasons different: I can type faster than I can write, and placing this in a public place is a freeing feeling - no hiding anything. And hopefully at some point I will not feel the need for being anonymous in order to express myself and the deep places of my heart. But that is part of the journey.
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