Beginning again

I have other blogs I write for family and other miscellaneous reasons. But I wanted another place to write whenever I felt without the constraints of knowing who and how many people are reading it. Somewhere to journal my thoughts and perhaps hear feedback from non-attached parties. So this will be my private musings and meanderings about my life, my journey, my walk.

I am a mother of three boys. One of those is no longer with us - went to heaven when he was just 8 weeks old. It has been almost four years now. Can it really be? Would he have turned four in just a few short months? How quickly, and sometimes difficultly, time has passed.

My family and I live overseas, we are coming up on 9 months here. It has been challenging and wonderful at the same time.

We are Christians, and so my struggle through life also includes some struggles with my faith. My faith, my knowledge and understanding of who God is, is as core and foundational to me as my own breath. I have no space to doubt him. But I do struggle in the outworkings of my faith. In the day-to-day living and understanding and becoming.

I feel like a woman with much baggage to be carried through life. I am looking and missing and longing for more. I KNOW in my gut that it is found in God alone, and yet I stumble and don't see it. I am trying to discover myself and His plan for me. I'm trying to figure out who I am and what He has for me. I want to be so much more than I am. Must I be content with who I am first?

My thoughts and ramblings will probably be somewhat scattered, unorganized, emotional, and even contradictory. I do not mind comments, even welcome them; but in the end this is my attempt at understanding myself and sorting through the mess that is my heart and my journey. So I only ask for no judgmental attitudes, but allow me the mess it takes to find my root.

I will keep specifics of who I am to myself. I wish for this to be a place where I can share all that's on my heart without it being known who I am specifically. This anonymity gives me some space of freedom I suppose. I keep a journal, and this will be much the same - but for two reasons different: I can type faster than I can write, and placing this in a public place is a freeing feeling - no hiding anything. And hopefully at some point I will not feel the need for being anonymous in order to express myself and the deep places of my heart. But that is part of the journey.